peace.love.clarity

The both of us knew that this was how things were going to end. Every beginning has an ending. Like every relationship we have had our fair share of problems. We were never perfect, truthfully there is no such thing as perfect. Through all the fights and tears we both knew that our relationship would come to a close when it came time to graduate. I admit that I always thought we’d be able to work through everything, but with every fight that belief grew weaker and weaker. Maybe it is for the better. As much as I love him, I know there’s no use in holding on. We don’t even live in the same state. Our relationship crashed and burned just as quickly as it was put together. All the memories we shared will stay close to my heart. I’ll always remember how much he made me laugh and look forward to spending time with him. But with every fight we had, it took a drastic toll on me. I still look forward to spending time with him but at the same time I stressed about when our next fight would break out. With every fight a tiny part of me dies. Things are said that can’t be taken back, feelings get hurt and hearts get broken. So as much as I want to hold on and carry on in this fictional world I live in, I have to snap back to reality and recognize that our relationship has long since died. We can both say that neither one of us has given up, but at the same time it’s clear that we’re both fighting for nothing. We’re fighting to save something that just cannot be saved anymore.

It hurts to walk away from something that became so important to my life. It hurts to leave so many things unsaid. I’ll never be able to express how much he means to me and he’ll never be able to understand the intensity that his presence has left on me. All that can be done is to smile, work through the pain, and hope things will turn out for the best in the end. 

He’ll always have a part of my heart. 

I can’t believe that in two weeks and 3 days I’ll be done with undergrad. It’s freaking me out knowing that I won’t ever be in school again (unless I decide to go back for masters or higher). All I’ve known was school and being told to write papers and take tests. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that another chapter of my life is done. So many things have happened within these four years. I’ve found some of my greatest friends here, made the most amazing memories, but I also can’t neglect the hardships and tears that came with it as well.

I’m scared out of my mind to graduate. I’m afraid of what my life is going to be like after I leave college. I have so many thoughts and feelings circling around me right now. I wish I was capable of sorting it all out or at least making sense of some things.

Thinking back on these four years, I know that I have changed so much as a person. This year alone I know for a fact that I’m not the same girl I was a year ago. I entered college as a quiet and awkward girl and I’m leaving as a less quiet and awkward woman. I’m thankful for every person I’ve met and gotten to know, including those that have hurt me. Without them I wouldn’t have grown so much as a person.

I just hope that the next chapter of my life only gets better.